I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
