I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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