She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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