I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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