i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize