he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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