I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
