Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
