Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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