cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
