i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
