the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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