You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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