Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
