how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
