Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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