Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
