dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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