So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
