Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
