I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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