So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
