farters have to be the big spoon...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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