literally had 100 drinks last night.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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