I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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