i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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