how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
