i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
