Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
