His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
