In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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