The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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