Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
