Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
