Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
