moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
