My hand turned me down
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
There r osticjed everywhere
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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