I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
