I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
