Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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