Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
