Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
