I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
