I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
