Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
