tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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