Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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