Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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