Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
