So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
