My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
