Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
