I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
