i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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