i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
