Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
