I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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