R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
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