you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
